GeekStar5: 5 years on, 5 roles later, 1 love affair

Five years ago I thought I was going to become a pop-sensation.

Okay, not quite, but I was firmly set on the idea of producing my own music and had just set up a youtube channel and was beginning to cover songs, record and gig. It was great, I truly loved it. And now, sitting here five years later listening to that first track I ever recorded and stuck up online, I can honestly say that I’m actually rather proud of it. I don’t think I come across as a silly kid which is nice, for a change.

My engagement with music over the past five years has seen a full transformation. From that kid on the stage I’ve since been the reviewer at the back, the groupie post-show wanting to stay the whole night, the event manager, and the band booker. It’s been hugely varied, at times extremely stressful but what I can say for absolute certain is that my love affair with the industry – and the personalities who occupy it – is just as real now as it was five years ago. I may no longer hanker to be the ‘star of the show’ but I still dream of my involvement in some small way.

So what is it that I still find appealing about the musical world?

I think it’s the variation and the excitement; although a slightly less savoury answer, but one that is equally true nonetheless, would be the celebrity factor. As a kid it became quickly apparent that I had some ‘fame complex’ much akin to the one that Russell Brand described when he spoke at the Cambridge Union last year. In fact, he’s the only person to describe something scarily similar to how I felt. Combined with a fear of death – and when I say fear, I mean tear-inducing – it made for a difficult growing up. The realisation, for those who have a fame complex, that they may never reach what is not just a goal but a desperate need, is horrific. I’m sure now that part of my intense fear of death was coupled with this: I would constantly worry about not being remembered and having never achieved anything of note.

Thankfully today I am not quite so much this fame-focused youth. I like to think that I have put most of those demons to bed. Admittedly, though, there are parts of this that will never go away and I am intensely aware that my love affair with music is propelled by the last vestiges of it. I’m not so sure that this is a bad thing really, however. I mean, consider the number of people who go into professions on the basis that they want to get rich quick and retire at 30; consider the number of people who stupidly, and I mean stupidly, abuse their bodies in order to look just like Kim Kardashian or any other celebrity figure for that matter. On that basis, the fame complex that pushes me to get involved with music/events/the media/journalism is not so much of a bad thing at all.

In fact, I rather like it. It’s a part of me.

So five years on from GeekStar5 (our wonderful little youtube name), I’ve had five roles in music but the one love affair still remains. And long may it reign.

And I’m back

For those who will remember I wrote at the end of last term about how disconnected I felt to my degree and pretty much everything that I was involved with. Today, I can happily report that I am out of the woods. Finally I feel back to ‘normal’, what ever this ‘normal’ really is anyway.

Whilst the Christmas break gave me some welcome breathing space, coming back to Cambridge and all that it has to throw at you hasn’t been trouble free. I spent the last week feeling rather uneasy, was eating for the sake of having something to do rather than because of desire, and fighting what was a rather bizarre urge to leave. But, after talking to the rents on that so often forgotten phone, and organising a quick trip home this coming weekend I feel much more content. My work is becoming far more engaging now that I have switched to modules on US foreign policy and the Middle East – I study Politics for those who haven’t quite worked out yet what my newfangled degree HSPS actually stands for – and working at the Union is most definitely the best decision I have made so far. I’ve even applied for an internship or two which has been a huge struggle, considering the way in which my career ambitions flit between being extremely vague to oh-so-set-on-that-which-has-no-internship, journalism.

I know this isn’t a particularly long or inspiring post, or really anything at all. It’s just me checking back in, letting you all know that I am fully intending to kick-start writing this blog again – yes that does indeed mean that you will be seeing more of me on your dashboards, apologies in advance.

The BBC News presenter just said ‘hundreds of glitters’ rather than ‘hundreds of gritters’. It made me particularly happy, perhaps more than it should. So i’ll take that as a hint to get back to my reading on the French Revolution and say ‘adios’. Until next time folks, heads up, we can do this.

Getting the balance right

So I have failed completely to get the work life balance right this term at Cambridge. It’s the first time that I’ve ever really sat back and realised that I haven’t been focused on what is the most important thing – when you cut away all the other bits and bobs that Cambridge has to offer – i.e. the Degree.

Over Michaelmas term I have become a true pro at taking on and trying out new experiences, all in the name of procrastination. Before ‘coming up’ in September to start trialling with the Cambridge University Women’s Boat Club, I had made the firm decision that I would only trial on top of my degree work for Michaelmas, as training takes up so much time that you need to spend the rest focusing on your lectures and supervision work.

I failed on this within the first week of October when I signed up to the Cambridge Union Society’s Vacation Committee which invites speakers for the following term (Lent 2015). I ended up having such a jolly time with them all that I decided I could handle sending invites for Debates and Speakers in term-time whilst trialling no problem. Clearly I had forgotten that I was no superwoman, I did not have an unnaturally good ability to juggle tasks, and that yes, I was indeed kidding myself if I was to even think momentarily about not watching a gazilion episodes of masterchef every week as standard.

Before I knew it, however, I was promoted. Becoming Deputy Speakers Officer put an extra nail in my degree’s coffin as it meant I now needed to commit more time every week and actually do the important stuff, liaising with agents. And then I became even more distracted…The Union’s Bicentenary Ball Committee – the Union turns 200 next year and is having a big birthday party, essentially – needed a Music Officer, and considering my love of music journalism, the idea of choosing acts for the bash sounded amazing. So I applied…and was accepted…whoops.

Sensible plan out of the window within Week 1.

Since then I’ve failed to recover. Switching to Cambridge University Lightweight Rowing Club from the Women’s should have put my rowing commitment hours down, but I think if anything it increased them. I stopped enjoying the attachments I had to sport and even the Union, because they were no longer things I was just doing for fun, they each had commitments which needed my full attention, which I simply could not give because I was juggling too much all at once. On top of it all, I was no longer connecting with my degree work; no longer was I finding reading Politics at Cambridge University something which excited me. Instead, it was like another burden, another thing which was preventing me from committing myself to everything which I was involved in.

Fundamentally then, what I have learnt from this term is how to not get the balance right. I completely overkilled it. Last week I made the decision to leave the trialling process with CULRC as something had to give and in truth I feel so much better about it now I have dropped the sport. My waistline may disagree, as I now have no weight restrictions and can just bumble along as merry little me through christmas. So much good food, so little time to eat it all – if you know my family, then you know how true this is.

But on to pastures new, turn over a new leaf, all those ridiculous phrases that you get sick of no end when it comes to the new year…they’re all starting a month early for me. Now is my fresh start, with the rowing behind me I can move on to concentrate on spending the Christmas break catching up on the reading that escaped me, pinging off applications for summer work that I had tried to pretend never even existed, and spending time with my family who I have severely neglected over the past 3 months.

Learn the lesson from me kids: Cambridge is not a walk in the park. You do need to concentrate otherwise you will fall behind. Whilst it has so many good things on offer that you can dive straight in to – and I fully recommend that you do – you need to be sensible, and work out what fits well together, what can you realistically fit into a week without feeling like your brain is going to burst from restricting sleep to the bare minimum hours. I can only hope that I can get it right moving forward, and I tell you what, the day my mum doesn’t think I look exhausted when I see her during term time will be an absolute triumph.